4 WEEKS PREGNANT - DONE!

So the first weeks is done.

Already my blood sugars are trying to climb. It could be because of the pregnancy, or because of this damn infected tooth that I've been waiting an age to get treated. Luckily I managed to get some antibiotics from the emergency dentist, so nipped the infection in the bud before it had a chance to send my blood sugars completely haywire.

Dare I say it, but I'm finding it easier. Last time I was using Insulatard as a background insulin, which did not suit me at all. I know that now, looking back, I was almost managing without any background insulin at all. Just taking the Insulatard at night meant that it would have been out of my system by mid morning. Leaving me to try and control my daytime sugars with just my novorapid. No wonder it was so hard!

This time I'm using Levimir. A split dose taken morning and evening, so that I'm covered 24 hours. It means I can take less novorapid with meals, and so avoid having hypos (and rebounds). I'm also limiting my carbohydrates, eating lots of salads and vegetables, being uber healthy.

Another difference from last time, I'm not only recording my blood glucose readings,  I've also been recording my insulin doses, grams of carbs eaten with each meal, and the exercise that I do. This gives me much more information to work on. So that I can decide whether 'that high' was caused by something I ate (and need to avoid), or pregnancy hormones.

Even so my blood sugars have not been perfect. However here is another way that I'm doing things differently.

I am not going to stress. 

What good does it do anyway?

I'm just going to write it down, correct it with another injection of insulin, and try to learn from it. 

I've recently started having highs after breakfast. I've eaten the same thing for breakfast all week, so I know it's not what I ate, and up until 3 days ago the insulin doses worked perfectly. So I know it's the pregnancy and that my doses need increasing. So I increased my morning novorapid ratio to 1 unit of insulin per 2 grams of carbohydrate. We'll see if that works tomorrow.

That's how it will be from now on. Testing. Writing down. Using the evidence I give myself to decide on the plan of action.

The first week is over. It's not been so bad. I know it's early days yet but I'll take all the success that I can! 

To tell or not to tell?...

We have a various family members staying with us over the next month. It's going to be difficult to hide. So we had the discussion.

Shall we tell them?

Because, you know, I'm the sort of person who never says no to a glass of wine. Surely they will suss me out.

I was undecided.

Really, I would like to unburden myself. So that I can get some support and encouragement, or at least some appreciation of all the effort I am making to keep my diabetes under control, to keep this baby safe.

My Dad came to see me a few days ago. He's having a stressful time at the moment and he comes to see us because it heals him. Dad comes with me to pick The Boy up from nursery. When he spots his Granddad from across the room he squeals with excitement 'Daddaaddd!!' and sprints into his arms. Dad has to brace himself against it. I have to blink back tears every time, and so does Dad.

My Mum and Nan came to visit today, just for an hour or so. They played with The Boy, kissed and fawned over him. Let their coffee go cold because they were too busy playing games. He sang them 'Tinkle Star' and showed them how fast he could run.

As I watched all these things...

.....I knew I couldn't tell.

Because if I have a miscarriage, it will not just be my heart that breaks, but theirs too.

So the secret must be kept. For eight long weeks until that special scan. The holy grail - 12 weeks. When the miscarriage rate drops below 1%. When it is (almost) certain. That's when I'll tell them.

Until then I am alone with this.

Just me

and my poppy seed

and a mountain of weight on my shoulders. 

Accidental Pregnancy - 10% Joy, 90% Fear

Shit.

That was my reaction.

Shit!

I'm pregnant.

What the..?

You see, last time, it took us years. I charted. I used ovulation sticks. I lay on my back with my legs in the air. I stared at pregnancy tests, squinting and holding them under the light. I hoped and prayed and was disappointed over and over and over again. Before finally conceiving on fertility drugs.

So, you can maybe forgive my stupidity for being a bit lapsy daisy with my contraception and being unconcerned that anything would happen, but it has happened.

I'm pregnant.

Of course, I'm going ahead with this. It's my own stupid fault, and besides, what if this is some fluke of fertility? Something that would never ever happen again? No. This is happening. I'm going through with it.

I'm pregnant.

.....And I'm scared.

This pregnancy is high risk. I'm a type 1 diabetic, so from now on my blood sugars need to be PERFECT. This means weighing and measuring everything I eat. It means pricking my finger 15 times a day (and during each night too). It means battling against my hormones which will make me resistant to the insulin I inject. If I get this wrong, I'm more likely to miscarry, more likely that the baby may have birth defects, and more likely to have a still birth. Yeah, it's pretty terrifying.

I'm pregnant.

My husband reminded me that I've beaten this once. I reminded him that yes, I did beat this once. But I beat it in a 'Rocky' type way (ie. I may have won, but I was seriously bloodied and broken by it). The last time I was pregnant, it was hell. Not just the stress of getting my blood sugars right, but I developed choleostasis (where you itch like crazy, oh yeah, and it also increases the stillborn risk even higher). I also ended up with pre-eclampsia, and the birth?! Oh my God the birth was something else. Ever heard of shoulder dystocia? The boy got stuck, really stuck, and we ended up being wrenched apart by a team of panicking doctors (all while I was hypoglycemic because the nurse controlling my blood sugars via a drip was a useless dick).

Oh yeah and then The boy got meningitis when he was 3 days old.

So that's why I'm scared.

I've upped my background insulin from 50 units to 60 units. It seems to have worked... so far anyway. Just had a hypo and am now sitting here after eating a measly 12 grams of carbohydrate (for fear of rebounding too high) waiting for my heart to stop pounding.

I'm Pregnant. 

So I guess I'll have to change the title of the blog, as it is soon to be a diabetic pregnancy diary. I won't be talking about any other topics because I won't be able to focus on anything else but eating perfectly, testing, injecting, attending hundreds of appointments and trying to stay sane.

I'm pregnant!

There is an uninvited little poppy seed growing in my uterus...

... and I think I love it already.