We have a various family members staying with us over the next month. It's going to be difficult to hide. So we had the discussion.
Shall we tell them?
Because, you know, I'm the sort of person who never says no to a glass of wine. Surely they will suss me out.
I was undecided.
Really, I would like to unburden myself. So that I can get some support and encouragement, or at least some appreciation of all the effort I am making to keep my diabetes under control, to keep this baby safe.
My Dad came to see me a few days ago. He's having a stressful time at the moment and he comes to see us because it heals him. Dad comes with me to pick The Boy up from nursery. When he spots his Granddad from across the room he squeals with excitement 'Daddaaddd!!' and sprints into his arms. Dad has to brace himself against it. I have to blink back tears every time, and so does Dad.
My Mum and Nan came to visit today, just for an hour or so. They played with The Boy, kissed and fawned over him. Let their coffee go cold because they were too busy playing games. He sang them 'Tinkle Star' and showed them how fast he could run.
As I watched all these things...
.....I knew I couldn't tell.
Because if I have a miscarriage, it will not just be my heart that breaks, but theirs too.
So the secret must be kept. For eight long weeks until that special scan. The holy grail - 12 weeks. When the miscarriage rate drops below 1%. When it is (almost) certain. That's when I'll tell them.
Until then I am alone with this.
and my poppy seed
and a mountain of weight on my shoulders.